


4

by Lame_Writer



Series: Abandonment issues [4]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Best Friends, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Beverly Marsh is a Good Friend, Cigarettes, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gay Richie Tozier, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Memories, Messy, Movie: IT (2017), Nightmares, Panic, References to Addiction, References to Depression, Richie Tozier Being an Asshole, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Richie Tozier is oblivious, Richie Tozier's Internalized Homophobia, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Smoking, Sneaking, Sneaking Around, Sneaking Out, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:00:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26097505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lame_Writer/pseuds/Lame_Writer
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Abandonment issues [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891402
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	4

He found it hard to sleep the rest of the night, wanting nothing more than feel a comforting embrace. To feel cared for, all he could do was stare up in dispace - the paranoid thoughts adding fuel to the restlessness. Being drilled in his head that gay people were satanic and chained up, unwilling for salvation' made him crippled with guilt. Guilt for something he shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. He felt ashamed, he felt dirty and impure. Unfixable. Thoughts becoming harder to get rid of. He slowly sat up from the bed, the room was dark like everything else. 

"How long was I out ?" He mumbled to himself, shaking his head as he looked down at his lap for a while, looking back to grab his glasses and put them on. Not like time mattered, he just needed to get away. Even if it were a short while of bliss, something - anything would be enough. He forced himself out of bed slowly, putting on a shirt and shorts that were lying on the floor along with his sneakers. He didn’t care how it was he just wanted to be out of the house, to clear his painful mind, his ticking time bomb on his already broken heart needed a distraction for a while. The self harm, silent but deadly. Infectious, spreading like a wildfire that no one could put out. 

He shook his head, running a hand through his hair, snapping himself out of what would’ve possible been another zone out. Moving his hands back down lazily, listening to the sound of his hands hitting his sides and walking out of his room and down the hall, grabbing a backpack on the way out. He didn’t know how long he’d be gone, and he didn’t care at that moment. He wanted to feel, more than just himself - someone who deserved to live. Slowly walking out - taking one last moment to turn back and look at the empty hallway, only light being from the moons rays hitting the windows into the rooms. He didn’t know why he hesitated, maybe doubt ? Anxiety ? Maybe even the fear of dying when he stepped out of the safety of his home ? He didn’t know, and for the most part - he didn’t care. He didn’t want to care. 

“Man up, Richie.” He mumbled to himself, looking back ahead of him. He needed some fresh air - or thought he did. Clearing his head with something new, yeah, something new. 

“Stop thinking like, that,, about him, nobody likes a fairy” he mumbled again. This time not hitting himself in the head and walking out the door. Riding his bike down the empty road, the only lights being from the moon and the dim street lights hitting the ground they look down on. He felt judged, even with no one else around - being criticized over everything. With nothing being down right in his mind. His thoughts replaying their words and making new ones to use as ammunition on the broken dummy. The kept focus on the many buildings he passed, most of them being dark - or draped off out of view. With the few being on, most likely night owls or workaholics with nothing better to do as much as him. The amount of signs he counted to pass the time, the occasional bats that flew overhead. A part of him was surprised he didn’t see a drug addict or drunk person wandering the streets, it wasn’t worth the hassle but - it’s Derry for fucks sake, he didn’t expect much out of it. The warm air hitting him, riding against a tide. 

His mind began to wander off again, not as harmful - he was thinking about Eddie - and his cute laugh, adorable body. His movements were smooth, and his voice was hot to him, made him shudder as his face began to feel warm and a smile growing on his face on its own. He wanted to run away with him, anywhere but here, where they could be together without getting hurt, without being - judged. He do anything for that. As he got closer to his destination, he thought about how lucky he’d be, if he could kiss him - what would it be like ? Would it be heavenly ? Would it be sweet ? Would it feel like could nine, or better yet - addictive ? 

“Shut the fuck up Richie, it isn’t going to happen” he told himself, shaking away the thoughts - as much as he wanted to keep them going. It was like a fantasy, a dream that he wanted, and yearned for to come true. With his doubt being stronger than his will. Enjoying it was a luxury, why ruin the real deal or even seeing him by his thoughts and urges. He wanted to be more than friends, he wanted him to be his boyfriend, his husband - he couldn’t stand the fact that that couldn’t happen. He couldn’t stand that it wouldn’t be accepted, or that he could be killed just for loving someone that wasn’t a woman, that wasn’t a girl. His heart belong to Eddie and no matter how hard he struggled, pulled and fought - he couldn’t get it back. He didn’t choose to love him like he did, it just fell in his hands while they were tied in place. 

“Fuck, can this ride be anymore painful” 

He didn’t want to be on this ride just to keep thinking about holding eddies hand, and telling him how much he adored him. He wanted to feel, whole. Eddie made him feel whole, so he needed a replacement. He needed a fix. He finally made it to the bridge, somewhere private he could look out from the distance. The place he could sit, and hopefully feel himself. Unwind even for a short while. He got off his bike, setting it down on the dirt of the sidewalk and making his way towards the wooden railing. He looked up at the stars, they were brighter here, they were nicer. Nicer than any person, they would listen to your cries and listen to your unanswered questions, and wouldn’t judge you when you did thing you shouldn’t. Something he needed right now. He leaned against the rails, his arms crossed on it tiredly, taking a few more moments to take in the silence, the only few noises being from the water below, the crickets chirping in the distance and the slight faint noise of the breeze against him. He moved away from the abused, wood planks and took off his backpack, setting it down on the ground and crouching down slowly. Unzipping it to take out a pack of cigarettes and a used lighter. Moving back up opening the lid to the box causally and taking one out - a little bit help for his hurting heart.

Putting the box in his pocket and slowly putting the unlit cigarette in his mouth, flipping open the lighter - watching it spark, it looked wondrous to him. The way it illuminated the small area it took up. It sparked and sparked until finally it awoke into a flame, to fulfill its purpose. If only he could say the same for him. Moving his hand to light it and watched it. Until it was finally painted in a glowing, bright orange - and the familiar feeling started to take over. Closing the lid and placing the lighter in his other pocket as he leaned against the rail as he did once before. He held the cigarette with two fingers as he moved it from his mouth and blew out the smoke, his eyes still glued to the sky. 

“Why me ?” 

“Why me, what rich ?” A familiar voice asked from behind him, making him flinch and nearly drop his cigarette, turning around quickly. His breath hitches but he soon calmed down when he saw it was Beverly. 

“Almost gave me a damn heart attack, bev” he sighed, looking at the ground then at her. His body was stiff, a fight or flight response kicked in and he wasn’t prepared. She just laughed, rolling her eyes with a playful smile growing on her face. 

“Just came here and heard you, so why not ?”

“Why are you even here ?” He questioned, raising a brow as he propped the cigarette back in his mouth shakily. 

“Well, why are you here, trashmouth ?”

“Just needed to get away for a while”

“Well, I did too so scoot over” 

She walked towards him and stood next to him as they both looked at the sky. 

“Why did you run away earlier, something seemed off and you only got worse.”

“I don’t really feel like talking about it, not in the right place right now”

The silence was awkward and tense. But they were there for eachother, which eased the pain even if it were a little. 

“What about your dad, aren’t you supposed to be home ?”

“Yeah but,, he passed out again so - he’s not going to be up for a while.” 

She seemed a bit caught off guard by the question but, it was bound to come up eventually. Inevitably. She played it off but the fear of her father finding out lingered in the back of her mind. 

“I guess it was just, being scared” He finally opened up a bit, as vague as it was - as much as it didn’t fill in the dots, it was something. 

“Well, that’s natural, as far as I know people feel things,” she joked, laughing a bit - and he laughed as well, shortly but genuinely. The night filled the silence after their small talk. It was more comforting this time. 

“What was that nightmare about, exactly ? Maybe I can help give a meaning to it or something” 

Flashes of the nightmare played in his head, the distress and pain in eddies voice, the hanging the feeling of hopelessness, helpless. It was too much. 

“Hey, earth to Richie” 

He winced, snapping out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah ? Oh, the dream, I can..I can hardly remember it now” he lied, trying to downplay it as him zoning out. She let out a hum of doubt, turning her head to look at him. 

“Well, when you remember let me know” she didn’t sound convinced but didn’t want to push it, make it hurt more than it already did. He nodded and went silent again. He didn’t want to talk about it since, especially with Beverly - it might give away his feelings for Eddie. And he wasn’t sure how she’d react to such an answer, a discovery of a secret he’s been trying to bury deep in his conscious. 

“I guess, it’s just something that really - hit me hard, you know ?”

“Nightmares do that to you” 

“No shit, but, this one just - it wasn’t like any ordinary nightmare, it had things that are just hard to talk about” 

“Hit too close to home ?” 

“...yeah, yeah that” 

“I get that..you know, we’re always here for you, me, Eddie, Mike, Ben, Bill and Stan - we care about you, a lot” 

“That’s a first,,” 

He looked at the cigarette that was now in between two of his fingers, his body was calmer but felt heavier with grief and guilt. He didn’t want to feel the sorrow, he didn’t want to feel the pain. He was filling the void the best he could - even if temporary. He just wanted to fix it. 

“We’ll always care about you”

“Even if it’s about something, people don’t necessarily like here ?”

“Yeah, absolutely man”

“Yeah right, I appreciate it,”

“I know you don’t believe me, and I can’t make you trust me, but, I hope you’ll see that one day”

“Great advice” 

His sarcasm didn’t faze her, she just kept staring at the cloudless night sky. The pain was obvious. Hiding it wasn’t an option, practically seeing him bleed red with the depression in his voice. 

“Don’t do that again though, please” 

“Can’t make any promises, Bev, but I’ll try”

“That’s all I need to hear trashmouth” 

“Well you can also hear how I did eddies mo-“

“Beep beep Richie”

She laughed again, and he smiled - chuckling even if his joke was cut off. He didn’t want the small moments like these to end, the small crumb size moments of bliss. Of ignorance to the situation. He wanted that. He was jealous of people who had the power of ignorance, the power to forget, the ability to not be a monster. 

“People here are dumb anyway, who cares what they think ? I don’t”

“People kill others here for certain, lifestyles” 

Richie was trying to beat around the bush, even if he was being subtle about coming out. She didn’t seem to notice. Letting out a joking scoff. 

“Yeah but, we won’t let that happen, we’re the losers - we have each others backs no matter what” 

“Yeah...no matter what” 

“I don’t see you here at night often, or at all trashmouth”

“I come here from time to time, like a part time job-“

“That you’re not getting paid for” 

“Yeah,, that I’m not getting paid for” 

He dryly chuckled, looking down at the water. Beverly looked at him again and frowned - he wasn’t being his usual asshole self. 

“We all know something’s up with you, you’re not being - how should I say this...you’re not being the usual dickhead Richie”

“Rude, but fair” 

He coughed a bit, looking at Beverly with confusion. 

“You got a staring problem ?” He joked 

“Yeah, I just have a feeling I know why you’re upset, but I could be wrong”

“Well, what is it then ?” He challenged her, but he was scared of the answer. Feeling his body get a bit weak from paranoia. Her stare became more intimidating suddenly. 

“I don’t want to say it till I know I’m right”

“You’re such a tease”

“I know, but that’s what makes me fun”

“Yeah, fun like a heart attack” 

“Psh, as if !”

The night went by a bit faster, but still stuck with them as they talked. Minutes felt like seconds passing through an hour glass. 

“Eddie got worried about you the most” she soon spoke about him, which made Richie wince a bit - his eyes widened briefly as he looked at her. 

“Eddie, worrying about ME ? Of all people ?”

“Yes, believe it or not, he really REALLY cares about you”

“I don’t believe it,” he laughed at his joke, she did too. 

“Yeah he was talking about it the whole time, it got a bit annoying but,, his heart was in the right place”

“Eds is sweet like that, too bad I wasn’t there to hear it”

“It would’ve stroked your big ego wouldn’t it ?” She jokingly asked, he nodded in response. 

“God you’re such a dork” she giggled 

“And the damn best dork in Derry, miss Beverly” 

She shoved his arm and laughed, making him briefly stumble over before picking himself back up and laughing as well. The water was Dinky bright from the surroundings - the sound of owls in the trees above - it was peaceful. 

“What did you guys do without me anyway ?”

“What could we do ? We just talked for a bit and left, you’re normally there and we just go places together” 

“You’re too kind” he moved his hand up and down, his wrist slightly bent to exaggerate the movement for a few moments before stopping. A goofy smile on his face. 

“Can’t wait to see what happens next”

“Why’s that ?”

“I don’t know trashmouth, I just, feel like something’s gonna happen” 

“Wow, that’s reassuring” he sarcastically remakes.

“Yeah yeah, I know, I’m miss reassurance after all” she swung right back. 

He wanted to leave, but he also wanted to stay - it was a friend after all. But if what her ‘feeling’ that she knew what was wrong was somehow right, he was afraid she was bringing him into a false sense of security before she’d hurt him. Kill him, or torture him in some way. A sick sense of humor he knew she didn’t have, but what if she did ? He was starting to get paranoid, taking in the smoke, the only thing that calmed him down quickly. 

“I’d ask for one, but even I wouldn’t share my own cigs”

“Damn straight” 

“Asshole” she giggled. 

“That’s me”

“If Eddie we’re here, he’s be complaining about me smoking - saying I could fall in the water from how I’m leaning, how I could get splinters - or something medical and fancy” 

“Or he’d say he isn’t a baby, or isn’t cute - or how someone could trip on your bike” Beverly added. 

“Touché” 

It almost felt right being here, as if the pieces of the puzzle were coming together. Could just be the nicotine talking, making him feel whole for the short while he had it. For the few moments of ignorant blissful conversation to keep his mind off everything else that was going on in his life, in his head. 

“What if Eddie gets with someone”

“Oh I think he has his eyes on someone already” when she said that, it made him to pale, nearly choking on his breath. 

“Really ? Who ?” He sounded paranoid, even if he tried to play it off as sheer curiosity. 

“It’s kinda obvious on who but, they’ll see soon enough”

“why not just tell me, it’s not like it’s me so it shouldn’t be a problem”

“Yeah, but you’ll tease him about it, or make the other person more anxious than they’re acting now” 

“Anxious ? How would you know ?”

“I know these things, Richie, I can see it in front of me. I have eyes surprisingly” 

“Yeah but, those eyes could see who it was-“

“Yeah and if that person doesn’t see it now, they will hopefully soon”

“This is madness”

“It’s the best madness, Richie, the best madness” 

“To you maybe, but not to me” he huffed

“Oh calm down, maybe he’ll tell you”

“Like that’ll ever happen, he’ll lie and say it’s no one before he tells me that shit”

“You never know till you try, rich”

The cigarette slowly became a nub and he threw it somewhere on the ground beside him, stomping on it without even looking at it. 

“I know, I just,, it’s hard”

“I know - and the world fucking sucks, but we’ll get through it”

“I hope so, well I’m off..I’ll see you and the gang later” he turned around, making a hand gesture for cya. His shoulders slumped and his expression being tired, confused and worried. 

“Don’t dwell on it too much, Richie” she spoke again, not turning around. He nodded and hummed in acknowledgment. 

“Goodnight, beaver”

“Night, trashmouth” 

And with that he picked up his bike from the floor and peddled off, he didn’t have to leave. But he didn’t want to be bombarded with the thing that he wanted to get away from. He didn’t want to think about Eddie, and with Beverly saying he had feelings for someone. It crushed him, scared him in fact. He didn’t want to think about Eddie being with anyone else - it made him feel uncomfortable and hurt. But he’d have to be supportive when Eddie did get with that person if he still wanted to be his friend. And he didn’t deserve to be abandoned, especially for his shitty feelings for him that he’d never even know - or asked for. It felt like a curse he couldn’t get rid of. Was he always going to be like this ? WS he always going to have to be reminded that eddie will never love him ? He may care, but care in a platonic fashion can only go so far. It can only get you to a certain point until it stops, just at the line or intimacy. 

He felt his body get heavier, his overwhelming emotions were making him fatigued. 

Just a little bit further

He thought to himself, continuing to peddle down the quiet road. Listening to the wheel glide against the concrete. He couldn’t stand it, he couldn’t take it. He just wanted to go home and sleep forever, he wanted to be in a world where being with Eddie - could be possible. But no matter where he went, it couldn’t. It wouldn’t. It won’t. He kept his head held up, his eyes glued to the front of him - trying to concentrate on peddling and direction so he could get home. And soon that’s just what happened. His parents still weren’t hone, maybe that’s for the better. He parked his bike and went inside, going to his room again and taking off his clothes and shoes. Laying down on the bed, crawling underneath the thick covers before putting them over his head, adding another layer to the darkness. 

“I wish I were fucking dead” he whimpered. He didn’t want to be heard by anyone else, they wouldn’t want to help, and even if they said they would - would they truly have his best interest at heart ? He had a feeling they wouldn’t, no matter how badly he wanted to force it into his brain that they did. He felt his eyelids get heavier and slowly fall shut. His body was warm form the blankets and comfortable from the mattress and the firm pillow under his head. He wanted this to be a dream, he wanted, wished, hoped, that somehow a better reality awaited him - but his brain was wrapped around the fact that from what he was taught, he was nothing more than a pathetic fairy, a faggot that deserved to die for his sin. He wanted to shake his head and say they were nothing but dirty liars but, it was drilled in his brain so much that it was hard to say no. It was hard to deny the fact, to deny the majority. 

His eyes were closed, his body was still - but his mind was still active. He was still awake, he was still in pain. He wanted a high that could last, a high that could take him away for a couple of hours somewhere special. A place of his own. He wanted, needed that more than anything, especially right now. His body felt heavy, as if sinking into the bed itself. He didn’t bother moving - he didn’t have the strength or the motivation to do so, the will was gone. Even if nothing was happening, he wished he were buried.


End file.
